The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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