I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
