If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
