i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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