How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Randomize
