I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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