Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
