If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i've created a new STD.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
