My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
