I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
