Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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