If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
