a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
