i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hippo gnu deer
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
