i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I need moral support for this bender
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
