you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
