oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
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Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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