im drinking this country out of the recession.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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