So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home