your thong is hanging out like whoa
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
