my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
