On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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