proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
