why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
