I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
