I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
