I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
