Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
