just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
