Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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