cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
