everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
