I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
