Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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