i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
