I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
