Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
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There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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