I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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