woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
