Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
