I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
