True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
