Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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