Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
