I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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