You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
