Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
