I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
