As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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