He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
