I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
