Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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