if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
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