Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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