Who wears a wallet chain?!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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